Farewell to My Beloved Mother Jim Horng It's been almost a month since you left us, and I still haven't got over the loss of you not being here with me. I always thought my family, except for me, will live out their lives and die naturally with age. The moment I heard that you were missing, I said to myself that you're probably depressed and needed some time alone. However, when I saw dad's worried looks, I knew, somehow, that I have to prepare myself for the worst. Three days later when dad hastily came home to take us to Kaoshiung, I was still hoping that you would appear before us and say that everything's alright. The miracle that I've hoped for did not happen, as I later found out. When I saw your body out there, I still refuse to link the image with the memories of you inside my head. Then I did cry,with despair and anguish. Several days later, when we brought you out to Taipei, I was glad that some of my high school friends came to see me, despite the fact that I was angered by the f__king reporters pushing around us that morning. Later that day, when I finally had some time alone, I thought about how we used to live, the good and bad times we had together, and the one year that we had spent in America when you were studying for your Master's degree. We had heck of a time there, learning to deal with everything new to us: learning to drive, learning how to deal with the harsh temperature...etc. Everything seemed like it just happened yesterday. In the last few days, when the guests are few and we had more time to ourselves, I was thinking how I should move on. I always wanted to leave the "jail", as I called it, but if this is the price I have to pay, I wish with all my heart that I could stay in it and bring you back. Now, studying seems rather......um, meaningless. Nothing could go in and I would just sit there and waste my time. I did study a little, due to my friends' invitation to the library. I always joked to myself that the "afterworld" probably needed a feminist, so you were taken to fight for their rights over there. Still, it seems rather cruel to us and the world you loved. I've never believed in god, and now I'm sure there isn't one, or else he must be an idiot. Despite the fact that you're gone, we still have to move on with our lives. There's only a few days until January, and your funeral ceremonies will be done by then. Reluctant it may be, but it is time...... to say goodbye. You still live on, in the deepest place of my heart. * Jim Horng is the only son of Peng, Wan-Ru.